I am a teacher.
I love my job.
I may have done things most people would call absurd,
astounding, and adventurous, but in the top three things I will think of more and
more often as I note my own approaching sunset because of how essential they
are to who I am, two involved being a teacher.
If I were forced to dissect what ignites my passion and soul
completely, it has a lot to do with something that happened earlier last week,
that really changed a post I was going to make about a very general concept –
and yes, it has changed the tone of my commentary considerably.
I was going to enjoin towards a very blunt and unreceptive
attitude to be taken with the ‘I deserve
things’ and the ‘You need to be selfish’ and the ‘Power of happiness is in merely choosing’
cesspool that infects this planet.
Epicurus died millennia ago – if you going to be so
unoriginal that you steal something relative in age to The Iliad, can I
offer instead the phrases ‘Then we must
do no harm.’ and ‘Do to Others as you
would have them do unto you.’ because at least those act like there exists
something more important than how often you can make yourself orgasm in a day.
I do very much dislike these people and this ideology. I
have always assumed this is why I often come across as a conservative-minded
person, as my rhetoric does sound very teleological, provincial, pedantic, and
“moral-focused”. Maybe I should read more about how to make yourself sound like
you do not suck, and I will read Bibi’s autobiography. ;-)
While I am not much of a moralist, I have negative amounts
of acceptance to any relativity argument when it comes to value and the core of
existence. I cannot fathom the logic, nor the rationale to such a ludicrous
concept that reality and the engagement of all things is self-centred. Ayn Rand
made comments like this, and if you genuinely believe, ever, that an inhumane
act can be elucidated and even vindicated in light of the “self-referential
outcome” then you are a sociopath.
You should be locked up for your own good, and the good of
the universe.
You are dangerous.
And if you want to know why you are dangerous, rather than a
lengthy essay I was beginning to rather enjoy scripting, if only out of my
sense of duty to Humanity and enjoyment of pestering buffoons, I can sum up
your flaw in one sentence.
You might be of decent sense when it comes to moments where
someone’s life is in danger, but you are going to one day, by your direct
action or involuntarily, make someone believe their value is cheapened because
of who they are, and they may never be able to ignore that.
If you think that is not your problem, then you are a fool.
Whether we like it or not, this is the only planet we can
inhabit as of current, and we need to manage each other and ourselves, fairly,
in hopes, in dreams, in needs, in desires, in wants, and we need to do it here.
There is no sign that anything is coming to save us from ourselves.
And if you are one of the people who like a movie getting
spoiled, I will ruin this one for you: there is nothing and no one that can
save us from ourselves, and there never was, and there never will be.
I am not conservative-minded. I believe everyone on this
Earth should have everything they need, and I do mean everything. A home, a
job, an education, a fair and conscious social community and commitment, Freedom
of Association, representation before judgment, mercy in condemnation, Freedom
of Expression.
I do not think anyone should ever even need to ask for these
things; in asking, they have already paid too much.
I believe we should all be willing to help each and give to
each other these incredibly general aspects of life. Perhaps more in-depth
Provision does need to be arranged by more accounted processes. I would not
begrudge that.
Yet there is no reason, and has never been any reason, why
children go hungry at night, why elderly feel insecure, why I get medical
treatment because of my zip code, and why someone is afraid to simply say what
they feel most properly describes who they are because they know the merciless
crusade that will be hounded against them for the mere utterance.
I have fought many a battles because I believe this so
fully.
I, at no point, believe Humanity has “earned” these things.
Forgive me if I seem to echo the Isidore and Aquinas I was once force-fed, but
what could ever be done to “earn” such grandeur of existence?
What did we ever do as a species to be granted the very fact
that we are an exceptional miracle in and of itself?
We evolved from colonial prokaryotes in primordial oose, to
become an entity that can do more than consume and fellate. That is a true
miracle, but I cannot genuinely bring myself to feel the transition was either
inevitable or earned.
Whether it was or not, and one of my previous comments, that
being your involuntary hurt of Others, would both be very difficult concepts to
ever fully grasp and metre-out. I only ask that we begin a stage in our
cultural evolution of reflection and analysis, with focus on how we are
connected and moved by one another.
Look at something that has moved you. A phrase, a picture,
go watch the movie, think of the gravestone, listen to the song.
You feel something deeper than mere survival in this memory.
You feel connection.
We are by our birth connected to each other, and not merely
genetically. We yearn to exist with one another, in good conscious and with
fair assess. We often want this more for ourselves than others, but we want it
nonetheless. We did not earn a love of this – it is simply who we are.
Value is simply in the fact that we exist – there is no
evaluation board or accrediting agency that gives you a seal of approval that
finally you are of any worth.
Especially for Caucasian people, when would we get that
seal? After we saved thirty people in our life? The clothes we buy, the food we
eat, the guns we sell, the cars we drive, and the communities we build to wall us
off have cost the lives of hundreds in almost every corner of this world. And I
am probably only talking about this month in saying the phrase ‘hundreds’.
How many lives do the owners of Nike® “owe” back
before they are worthy again of being thought of as Human?
Believe me when I say, they are in debt. They owe a great
deal. They might never repay what they owe. Yet they do not owe anyone anything
for their individual value to remain intact, whole, essential, and affirmed, as
it has been all their lives.
They matter. You matter. Nothing made that True, and nothing
can make it “truer”.
Once, someone may have made you question that. I would give
anything if I could take that back. The only price I could ever be bought for
would be if I could erase that moment from every memory, of everyone, forever.
It is important. It does matter.
You matter.
You do not get to act like you are special because of this
though.
This issue is now closed, but do not think it prevails you
exceptional right to be special.
I wanted to shove this concept of value and the true
material that exists in us, accentuating and affirming the drive we have to
believing that we are of value, down the throat of every self-serving prick who
would view with clean conscience as despondence and drudgery occurs every day,
regardless of intent or merit.
Then I had a chance to put my money where my mouth is.
I really I hope I did as well as my ideals make it seem I
would too.
Little kids really can be the best some days. They can
remind us of moments before we allowed our eccentricities and preconceptions to
guide us more than the simple desire to enjoy ourselves and to try whatever we
can imagine possible.
I do not want to get into a debate over when and why that
process occurs, but often I wonder how much help the transition really is.
Discuss that on your own time.
I am not used to teaching young children. I usually teach
collegiate or collegiate-guided students. Being a graduate-level chemist, it
should not baffle anyone why my more common age range is closer to eighteen
than eight.
I would be lying though to say this experience has been
anything less than one of the best choices I ever made, and if I had to specify
how I say that the third best part of who I am is that I got to teach special
education children, these kids might be the group I have come to admire the
most.
My second, third, and fourth graders are a true joy to my
life. More than anything, they are funny and laugh at everything – reminds me
of my own sensibility towards maturity.
This is the age when questions and the answers to those
questions start to matter and remain with them for the rest of their lives. I
do not need philosophical treatises for that – psychologists have done
extensive work to show it is true.
One of the many things we might remember first about that
time is our first crush.
I remember mine a little too well – she was my best friend.
She’s even my first memory. I love her – I always will. Maybe one day I will
have enough of self-spite to give up all the hate I have to finally see her
grave. I am not sure I will stop hating myself for long enough though and I
probably would not even known where to start…point being, this did not end
well.
I am not trying to say everyone’s first real attempt to
understand emotional attachment has to be spectacular. I have a feeling most,
when people look back on it, would say they remember their childhood fondly, or
at least on good terms, even a first crush. I think I am the exception, and I
am very willing to admit that is probably my issue more than any fault of
anything considering my current age, emotional and mental development level,
and my general psychological maturity, or lack thereof.
Yet sometimes we can help people see what it is all worth,
even those of us with less than stellar records, and while it is unlikely that we
get this chance with peers, mainly out of our own stubbornness, children can be
really helped.
Short end to a long introduction, a fourth grader is in love
with me.
Oh goodie…
Being a young male (and believe me, I am the only thing with
a Y-chromosome in this place) I was told bluntly how to deal with this as
apparently it was a definite to happen: Do not deal with this.
From the simplest perspective, this is definitely a good
method.
Face it, most kids have a crush on their teachers because
the teacher is someone different. I am sure if I ate potatoes and corn for
seven years, even lima beans would appear candy-like.
Then you eat those lima beans twice…never mind, the potatoes
were by no means killing me. Starch me up!
Of course you do not really acknowledge a grade school
crush, because no matter how mature it is, it is a grade school crush. Perhaps
the real big piece of advice, if I write it all the way out, comes with this
clause: So long as the student does not directly try to act upon and insert
themselves into your life, crushes will go away, so better to just not deal
with it.
This is correct. How many times in our own lives did we have
a small crush on someone and we never verbalised anything past fantasy thoughts,
and the feelings and fantasy eventually just went away? Even kids stray from that kind of
confrontation.
My problem occurred when it got verbalised, and I had to
acknowledge that the “radius of audible interaction” included about two dozen
people, including another teacher or two.
I was only partially awkward about it by the way – go me!
I was not mad of course – dumbfounded most accurately
describes how I felt. Yet I did know, not at all to my liking, that I was going
to have to do the extra work in assuring that I could still work with the
student, and that boundaries could be properly set.
Like I said, it is so much better when not verbalised.
Of course I did everything I was supposed to and in my
personal opinion I supplied to right answer to the question ‘Do you want to be the one to talk to the
student?’ of which I can assure, I would never say anything other than an
affirmative.
In case you wonder if I was awkward before, I am sure I did
a bang up job here too.
The conversation always begins with asking the student to
reiterate what was said or done in their own words. I admit, I feel sorry for
the person who ends up with this student one day in life. They are not only
tough, but rightly brilliant and manipulative.
I can see why they
were attracted to me. ;-)
After that comes the “adult time” where you do our best to
put the meaning of certain phrases, actions, or relations in context for
appropriate social interactions. Considering I was in the room, I am sure
NOTHING of expertise was present, just to set the record straight.
I often wonder how much of this ever penetrates the mind of
any child.
I never cared much for adults talking when I was a kid. By
eight I was already well aware that most adults were my intellectual and ethical
inferiors, and I admittedly took no end in joy of tormenting them with every
possibility. I would like to believe most kids look more fondly on the words of
adults, but I am not sure even they believe words we known are moot in
comparison to the issue at hand.
I do hope something got across, because I do not want to be
the one who is going to be the deciding factor for good development in this
child’s life. Lord knows, that does not bode well for the student.
I added my piece.
I talked about what care and affection meant to me.
I talked about how I cared for the student, but in the same
way I cared for every student, and every person.
I talked about how I had flown across two continents to help
my friend just because they asked for help. I talked about how I worried about
everything and anything when I thought my daughter was in trouble. I talked
about the sacrifices I had made for people I barely knew, and to the extent I
had gone even for them.
I talked about knowing you will never get anything back from
relationships and from friendships, but caring more about the person, inherent
and worthy, than anything else. Even yourself.
I said how anyone who truly cared for me would see that my
care for everyone on this planet, even those who probably could not mind me
less, was my most important care.
I talked about how if you truly wish to care for someone,
you need to believe in their greatest care too, because you need to be able to
understand one another.
I talked about how understanding me, as I am, means you
understand I may never treat anyone any different, or be impartially in
relation to any person.
I hope I broke her heart as easy as you can.
Perhaps I am pedantic and a little too idealistic for my own
good, but I did not teach anyone some stupid nonsense about ‘You will know when
it is right.’ or ‘You just need to wait to understand.’ or, the worst possible,
‘You just do not get it yet.’
I am sure if you asked the student, they would tell you they
get it.
I do not mean to give full credence to a childish crush – I
mean to say it is a stage of development. It should not be criminalised. Childhood
cannot be overlooked. It is the preparation for adulthood.
We need to treat it as such.
I should sit down and talk about how I feel, and what it
means to me – that is what adults should do.
I respect every person enough to say the full extent of my
feelings.
I do not like most people. I find the normal human concerns
so pathetic, drone, and inconsiderate that the overall conceit makes me sick to
my stomach.
As I said, I do not believe we have “earned” a thing, and
the way people value themselves and each other worries me to no end.
I may leave this life, much sooner than I want, believe me,
but I am not okay with this being how I leave. I have lived a life where I have
never believed I was wanted – I refuse to accept this fate for most people.
Someone who loved me would need to accept that as my
greatest care, and be willing to live with me on that term.
Whatever that meant to me or asked of me was unimportant. I
knew a long time ago I could be more than my moments of loneliness.
I can be someone who decides to make moments for others,
even if I will always be shaky making them for myself.
If you call this Other-focused, fine to your perspective,
but I have always known my relationship to my 7 billion wide family, and I have
never believed more than the notion that if something can inspire love within
you, whatever it is, it deserves to be protected and remembered.
I want this to of course be more than action – I want this
to be a paradigm. Priorities are what change people, and if we look at
relationships as ways we truly live with each other, and help express the value
in each other, rather than “own” each other or get what we want, I truly think
a better world can come from those thoughts.
I hope I convinced the student of one thing I said more than
any:
You do matter to me. I would do anything I could to always be there. I
would do that for anyone. I cannot be just for one person. I help everyone. I
want you to be happy, and I promise that only if everyone is happy, can you
even hope to be happy. I will always think of and be there when you need me. I
would do that for anyone. You can do that too.
So, did I do well? No idea.
I hope this is more to the student than just another
learning moment. I hope the student believes me, and wants all relationships to
mirror this goal. I hope everyone does the same.
I know at the end I was given a hug and thanks for being
“…the best person I know.”
Yeah…I cried. Hard.
Yet again, I fear my students did more for me than I them.
With any luck I hope I started someone down a road of caring
more for the involuntary, the unconsidered possibilities you generate when
people can believe you care. I hope I made an impression of some worthwhile meaning
to human life and what love really can be.
At very minimum, I feel like I set a good standard about how
to demonstrate a proper way for the first person one person loved can love them
back, and they will hopefully always believe that in a way that is more
affirming and fulfilling than mere comfort.
Even if in all 25 years, that is all I did right, at least I
did one thing right.
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